Why I Left The Church

I left the church because I felt God asking me to do it. There! For all the people that followed this link to read dirty laundry about the church, you may go now, grown ups are talking (No LOLs. I’m for real. Let yourself out.) I have waited a long time to write this because just like at the end of a season in life, I had to go through my five stages of grief. Denial (came in January first when I felt God asking me to leave) then came bargaining (when I wondered if I could stay longer), anger ( at the backlash I got for having left), depression (which set in as I realized I had burnt out and needed serious rest) and finally acceptance. It has been a long few months but despite all the lows, it has been filled with a deep richness that I may never have enjoyed had I not allowed God to lead me. But it was also hard because I am literally the embodiment of a millennial right now; highly educated, unemployed, living in my parent’s home with my dog. Oh how life can be funny! But again, it has been the time of my life. What has struck me though, through this whole season, is the number of people I have met, and conversations I have had with people who have left a church, either as former staff members, or congregants.

I didn’t know it, but when I placed my resignation letter on HR’s desk those months ago, I was joining a group of people, a ragtag group of people who were connected in one sad way; they had experienced hurt from a person or group of people within the community of church and they were wounded. I was in a new world that I had never really seen because this community (I use the word lightly) is marked not only by wounds, but by silence. Some have nursed wounds for a long time because they never got a space to air their wounds and grieve openly. Some didn’t survive their wounds and live their lives with a gaping hole in their hearts, which has been hardened to all matters faith. Some managed to drag their wounded souls back to Jesus and went through the painful process of healing; their faith is stronger now, but the old wound still aches now and then. These group of people can recognize the wounds and scars that have been inflicted by people of faith and so when they meet another that bears the same mark, they encourage each other. The ones with the gaping wounds that never healed and the ones who died inside, they are toxic when they meet. It’s not a healthy environment because the stench of hopelessness and bitterness is hard to withstand for long. My heart goes out to those and I long to help them; I often try to steer the conversation back to God and His character, to remind them that they can either focus on the ones who hurt them or the one who can heal them. It doesn’t always work so I kind of steer away from them because bitterness is contagious. But this ragtag scattered community, I love them because they help one another. They get the journey and they are constantly in the process of helping each other get back to the cross, sort of like wounded soldiers on the retreat, carrying other wounded as they limp towards refuge.

The one thing that is common about this community is their silence. They sort of never speak about their wounds or what they went through because they are conflicted. I understand that conflict because society is unforgiving towards Christians. The world is a greedy lion waiting to prey on any sign of weakness in the bride of Christ, the church, so they stay silent. They sort of don’t know how to explain why the location of their IG posts is no longer that church that they were known for going to. They can’t quite explain to their family why that spiritual leader they always mentioned, that pastor who they looked up to, is now a name they don’t utter often. This group can’t tell their friends why they are suddenly free to hang out, when they always used to spend time in church. This group wore the badge of their faith proudly, and they still do, so they can’t bear to allow their pain to be another excuse for people to reject the church. They will not bring shame to the Bride of Christ. So they sit in silence. But the unforgiving world is not the only one that keeps them silent. This group has learnt to be silent because the church herself cannot stand to have her illness spoken of publicly.

Some people from this group did the “unthinkable” recently, they spoke openly about their pain and not only did they do that, but they did it on social media under the platform of #WhyILeftTheChurch. And the church (individuals who are christians) responded in a manner atypical to her character, but typical of human character. She lashed out with lectures, defended herself using bible verses, complained about how they were airing her dirty laundry and basically did everything but what she was meant to be, which is being the light in the darkness.

Church, I get it. Earlier this week in the spirit of the #WhyILeftTheChurch movement, someone messaged me and told me that I had hurt them and my initial thoughts were human. I wondered why they chose to bring up drama from they past (#LetItGo), I wanted to be defensive and argue my case because the accusations weren’t small. Then God reminded me to calm all the way down and look at what was happening. This person had revealed to me something that was affecting her relationship with me, she was being vulnerable and expressing real hurt. Love dictated that I tried to see things from her point of view and I apoligized and spoke life. I left the church because I felt God calling me into another season of my life. But the truth is, the church also made it easy to leave. I had experienced things within that world that made it hard to stay so even though I loved my job and my colleagues, I wrote that resignation letter with some level of deep relief and crawled to the finish line. I spent time in Spiritual ICU like a wounded soldier. Truth is the church, despite being the Bride of Christ, also contains people who do bad things; people in leadership and in the pews. But I love the church. This group of people love her so much that they will not sit by and let her live in denial about the gaping wound on her left shoulder. The decay must be addressed that she may seek treatment and healing.

Dearest Church, Dear Christians, Dear Christian Leaders, this week the silent wounded spoke up and yes, it was messy. But let me use this argument against you too, people are sinners and imperfect so maybe what was said didn’t come out too well, but I ask you to listen to what is being said, not how it is said. There is a resounding message on the streets of Mukuru Kwa Facebook and it is that people are hurt. People have been wounded by those they trusted within church spaces. There is wrong theology being taught. Church discipline has turned into a shaming game. There are leaders abusing their authority. There are Christians driving your congregants out. Houston, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. Before you get into defensive mode, please can you see the wounds? Before you type that lecture with the hundred verses, can you see the person who shared? Before you point fingers and blame the victim, can you see the pain? Jesus had compassion. Jesus wept. Jesus was filled with compassion. Jesus had mercy on them. We must learn to feel compassion and empathy first. The wounded have come out from hiding, don’t chase them back as you shake your bibles at them. Stop, get off your donkey, tend to their wounds, and take them to the innkeeper. The silent wounded have spoken; show them the love of Christ that you so deeply want to defend. What you don’t see behind the scenes of this hashtag, is that those who started it are toiling away in inboxes tending to the wounded, speaking love and life back into dying hearts. Join them. Here’s how:

1. Reach out. Reach out to someone who has posted on this hashtag and find out how they are doing. Make a phone call, send a text, write in their inbox, plan a skype date or buy them coffee. However you can, just reach out. Listen to them, hear their story and not for muchene’s sake and not so you can argue with them. Just sit down and hear them. Then pray with them and for them. Speak life and health into them. Invite them to a safe christian environment if they have never gone back to church. Love them. Then see the dry bones come to life. See a vast and great army becoming flesh and whole again. See God’s Spirit moving in their lives and see what the Bride of Christ made whole again.

That’s it. That’s all you have to do. Don’t worry about protecting the image of the church. People will know you are Christ’s disciples by how you love each other and treat the wounded among you. In the thick of war, when a soldier falls, you don’t lecture them on how they should have stayed safe or how they should have avoided the injury. You drag them off to safety and see that they are okay. We, the church, have much bigger battles to fight than a tiny hashtag and we will win if we are all healthy and fighting.

Before I end this let me add, that if you are a leader or in a position of influence in the church, this is also a huge wake up call. Let not complacency with the systems of hurt reign in your place of influence. Refuse to allow your beloved church to leave a sea of wounded in its wake and change things. It can’t be okay or normal that this is happening. Speak to fellow pastors teaching heresy, stand up to that beloved congregant who is harsh on new believers. Be the biggest dispenser of grace and love in your sphere of influence. As you like to say, this church is the beloved of Christ and the position you hold will receive higher judgement so be a good steward of the people you have under your care. We are praying for you with great love and empathy.